Song to the tune of 'Gaston'

PUB GOERS:
Have you heard about that Cargan named Armand?
That warrior priest with the hair.
In love with his cousin he is that Armand,
They’re having a torrid affair.
Wait didn’t he marry that Graves who’s a god?
Are you saying that’s all a lie?
It’s true that the facts are a little bit odd
But the rumours surrounding this guy.

No one’s tall as Armand
No it’s small as Armand
No one’s hight’s as debated with gall as Armand's.
Of the Cargans he’s not the most friendly,
Rage filled, a spoilt noble brat.
Though, when set beside Penny or Henry,
No then even still he's just a gigantic prat.

No one’s right like Armand,
Picks a fight like Armand,
No one’s arguments are full of spite like Armand's.

EMILY:
You do realise that you’re all just speculating?

PUB GOERS:
Can’t tell a lie ‘bout Armand!
If it’s been said,
It must be true!
Armand’s hiding a massive
Traitor Tattoo!

No one whines like Armand,
Seeds great lines like Armand,
When it comes to love nobody pines like Armand.

EMILY:
Did you mention that he loves his cousin?
He’s defending her faith ‘gainst the world.
And these pamphlets they come in the dozen,

PUB GOERS:
Good God!

EMILY:
Can’t you see how the T is so daintily curled?

PUB GOERS:
No one sprints like Armand,
Misses hints like Armand,
With a printing press nobody prints like Armand.
He’s especially good at deliberating,
Oooh
Ten drafts for Armand.

PENNY:
When he was a boy he set fire to my hair,
Just to laugh as I rolled on the ground.
And now that he’s grown he just stares at my hair,
And it’s starting to just freak me out…

PUB GOERS:
No one’s rude like Armand,
Their views skewed like Armand’s,
Has a general bad attitude like Armand.
His whole person and poise is just really grating,
God what a dick,
Armand!