Warning: This filk contains copious amounts of Sigvald the Rampant. People with heart conditions are advised not to look directly at the Rampant. This also applies to people without heart conditions. He's very pretty. See? See how pretty he is? He's very pretty. I'd like to run my fingers through his hair, and I'm just an opening narration. Anyway, without further ado, enjoy your terrible filk.

(To the tune of, regrettably, Justin Timberlake - SexyBack. That opening spiel and the notion of someone playing that particular song everywhere they go is also an unsubtle nod to Duke Devlin in Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged.)

The last notes from the organ still echoing through the church, Toli slowly walks back to the pulpit, sighing as he goes. This has been a bothersome week, dealing with weak and foolish people, putting his life on the line to deign to do the work of gods and with little to show for it in return, and with the main Tender Church in the city not even being useful when they have something to do that's supposed to be part of their god's purview.

“Well, fine.” he thinks to himself. “I shall take even that from them some day. In the mean time I'm sure there are ways that I can get to them. And I should at least take some solace in the fact that Sigvald hasn't shown up to ruin everything in quite some time.”

Firming his resolve, he looks up at the gathered public and begins his sermon.

“Welcome!” his voice resounds, perhaps a little louder than usual. “You who are lost I welcome you, as you come to seek guidance in the power of the gods!”

Toli hesitates slightly, as a faint sound distracts him. Brushing it aside as an unnecessary distraction, he continues.

“You who are injured or need shelter, you may find the respite you need through the holy light of the Tender! Let it purge any weaknesses that have overcome you, such that you m-”

Toli pauses again, as the distant sound has become noticeably louder. It sounds strange, but there is a definite rhythm to it. Is that… music?

“Where -is- that music coming from?” he wonders aloud. He considers pressing on with his sermon, but the noise is growing louder and by now the congregation have noticed it too and are looking equally as baffled. By now it is clear enough to discern in more detail. It is indeed music, but it sounds like no instruments Toli has ever encountered. It has a strong rhythm which seems to linger in his mind and he feels himself compelled to dance. Recalling that there is a god of music whose powers may stretch to such things, he feels out with his mind, feeling for flows of divine power nearby. Surely enough, the sounds are a manifestation of divine will and there is a divine presence rapidly approaching. But he immediately recognises that presence, and a god of music it is not.

“Oh no…” Toli mutters, burying his face in his palm.

The door to the church slams open and suddenly the strange music is upon them, filling the church hall with its anachronistic beats. And there, in the doorway, stands Sigvald the Rampant, flanked by a couple of his followers and carrying what appears to be a lamp. As a bar of the music comes to a close, with one smooth motion he strikes a match and lights the lamp, which casts a multitude of erotic images around the gloomy building in a manner which to a modern viewer would resemble a disco ball, and then he starts to sing, dancing across the church hall as he goes.

Sigvald (and Toli):
I'm bringin' sexy lamps! (SIGVALD)
Go on and hang 'em from the wall with clamps! (WHAT EVEN)
Best decoration to spice up your camps! (WHY)
Though my name's Sigvald you can call me Ramps! (*siiiiigh*)

Rampant Followers:
Take it to the church!

Sigvald (and Followers):
It's a rave, (Uh-huh!)
I can't be shackled baby, I'm no slave, (Uh-huh!)
No-one can stop me when I misbehave, (Uh-huh!)
It's just that I've got all the things they crave! (Uh-huh!)

Followers:
Take it to the sermon!

Sigvald (and Followers):
Come on, all (go 'head do what you will)
Come to my side (go 'head do what you will)
It's a party (go 'head do what you will)
Drinks on me (go 'head do what you will)
You'll see what you wanna do (go 'head do what you will)
Look at these lights (go 'head do what you will)
Cast off your yokes (go 'head do what you will)
Go ahead, folks (go 'head do what you will)
And, get your sexy lamps (go 'head do what you will)
Get your sexy lamps (go 'head do what you will)
Get your sexy lamps (go 'head do what you will)
Get your sexy lamps (go 'head do what you will)
Get your sexy lamps (go 'head do what you will)
Get your sexy lamps (go 'head do what you will)
Get your sexy lamps (go 'head do what you will)
Get your sexy lamps!

Sigvald (and Toli):
I'm bringin' sexy lamps! (SIGVALD STOP)
So I can rock you 'til you're gettin' cramps! (UGH)
I got more style than your holy champs! (Tender!)
'cause I've been 'round longer even than that Gramps! (Cast your gaze!)

(Toli begins chanting to the Tender whilst Sigvald continues his song)

Followers:
Take it to the church!

Sigvald (and Followers):
I'm top god, (Uh-huh!)
'cause I can give myself the perfect bod, (Uh-huh!)
And I'm a Mage too, wanna see my rod? (Uh-huh!)
Go on and try me and you won't feel odd (Uh-huh!)

Followers:
Take it to the sermon!

Sigvald (and Followers):
Come on, all (go 'head do what you will)
Come to my side (go 'head do what you will)
It's a party (go 'head do what you will)
Drinks on me (go 'head do what you will)
You'll see what you wanna do (go 'head do what you will)
Look at these lights (go 'head do what you will)
Cast off your yokes (go 'head do what you will)
Go ahead, folks (go 'head do what you will)
And, get your sexy lamps (go 'head do what you will)
Get your sexy lamps (go 'head do what you will)
Get your sexy lamps (go 'head do what you will)
Get your sexy lamps (go 'head do what you will)
Get your sexy lamps (go 'head do what you will)
Get your sexy lamps (go 'head do what you will)
Get your sexy lamps (go 'head do what you will)
G-

Toli:
GRAND GEYSER!

With a thunderous roar, an enormous version of the Tender's geyser erupts from the church walls, quickly flooding the building and sweeping the Rampant and his followers away, out of the door. As they are washed away the strange music fades and Toli and his congregation are left in the church, both they and the building drenched, with nothing but the heavy sound of Dan's disapproval to fill the silence.