SPOILERS for Galavant 2.6
To the tune of He Was There

Set before Matters of Trade

May contain exaggerations of Simon's backstory

Simon: I was a poor starving street urchin
Only eating twice a year
And they tossed me out the day I asked for more
Armand: Aw.

And Penny brought me to the church in
And she gave me bread and beer
Also everything you left here in your drawer!
Armand: Wait. What?

Simon: He was there!
He was there!
Gave me all your underwear
With his sweet, loving care
He was there!
Armand: Got to be kidding me.

Simon: I was carried off by slavers
Where my parents died of pox
And they sold me to be rendered into goo
Armand: Ew!

Simon: Then your dad did me two favors
First he cleaned their freaking clocks
Then he gave me all the gear he gave to you!
Armand: Hey, that's my favorite hat!

Simon: He was there!
He was there!
Random backflip in the air!
Yeah!

So much more…
Love to spare…
Such a gem!
Such a–
Armand: Stop!

I was practically abandoned
By that smug and selfish jerk
It's like nothing that I did was quite enough
King Richard: That's rough.

Armand: First, his ego's out of hand
And all he cares about is work
And I can't believe he gave you all my stuff!
Simon: What? No!

She was there!
Armand: Never there!
Simon: She was–
Armand: Never, ever there!

Simon: Sweet and kind
Armand: Au contraire!
Simon: She's a saint!
Armand: Not a prayer!

Nasty and cold-hearted
Such a pig, don't get me started

She's a schmuck!
She's a schmo!
She's the worst!
I should know!
She's a traitor!
How I hate her!
…
She's right behind me. Isn't she?