SPOILERS for Galavant 2.6
To the tune of He Was There

Set before Matters of Trade

May contain exaggerations of Simon's backstory

Simon: I was a poor starving street urchin
Only eating twice a week
Getting tossed out of every building I go near
Armand: Aw.

And Penny brought me to the church in
Which Traitors favour they do seek,
And the taught me I don't have to live in fear!
Armand: Wait. What?

Simon: She was there!
She was there!
Life doesn't have to be unfair
With her sweet, loving care
She was there!
Armand: Got to be kidding me.

Simon: I was carried off by slavers
Where my parents died of pox
And they sold me to be rendered into goo
Armand: Ew!

Simon: Then penny did me two favours
First she cleaned their freaking clocks
Then she showed me that the Traitor's way is true!
Armand: She told you what?!

Simon: She was there!
She was there!
Random backflip in the air!
Yeah!

So much more…
Love to spare…
Such a gem!
Such a–
Armand: Stop!

She's the worst of all the Cargans
That smug and selfish jerk
She treats the traitor church thing like a fad
Simon: So sad.

Armand: First, her ego's out of hand
And her annoying little smirk
And who doesn't know the traitor church is bad!
Simon: What? No!

She was there!
Armand: I don't care!
Simon: She was–
Armand: I really do not care!

Simon: Sweet and kind
Armand: Au contraire!
Simon: She's a saint!
Armand: Not a prayer!

Nasty and cold-hearted
Such a pig, don't get me started

She's a schmuck!
She's a schmo!
She's the worst!
I should know!
She's a traitor!
How I hate her!
…
She's right behind me. Isn't she?